Friday, March 13, 2015

Unnamed Thus Far


I believe you can only fall in love once. The word fall describes perfectly the feeling that you experience that first time. It’s wild, free and you never once stop to think. It is not until you have been hurt by that first love to know what falling in love feels like and know that losing that first love is not something you want to experience ever again. However, when you do find that second love it is a much slower, much less freeing feeling. It is a mixture of hopelessness and fear paired with unmeasured joy and happiness. In a way, it is much more beautiful to find yourself in love the second time around or third time around. To allow yourself to love someone through all of the uncertainty is placing a great deal of hope and trust in someone. And that, in retrospect, is beautiful.

                I fell in love once. It was with the neighbor boy and we were sixteen. He was my best friend. Every night before his mom got sick we would sneak out to the tree house in the backyard, sit, and plan great adventures that we would embark on together. Eventually as we grew, the promises we made changed, the way he looked at me changed, and I never realized what was happening until that first kiss. It was as if my heart had fallen out of the tree house and left me stranded in suspension with him. I was not scared, I was liberated.

Cas was the goofy type with a heart so full of compassion I could never live up to. He was the kind of boy that made the world light and brought a smile to every face he passed in the day. He always had those corny jokes to spit out and his hugs were so warm and comforting it was as if you could live and die peacefully in his arms. In short, he was the polar opposite of the second man I ever loved. Dark, distraught, full of anger and fear and barely could be said to be human. Yet the way I loved him was so powerful that even though the world was telling me to run away, I could not have done the more opposite thing fast enough...

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